Surgical Supermum

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How to give birth to a whole new you

Mothers-to-be Britney, Jordan and Demi will be queuing up for this year's most in-demand celebrity plastic surgery package.

First off, the celebrity mother gets her silicone breast implants removed early in her pregnancy to prevent stretching, then when the baby is born (usually whipped out by caesarean at eight months to prevent the mother having to get too fat) new implants are put back, liposuction is done on the arse and thighs plus a full tummy tuck to get rid of all signs of pregnancy. The new mother keeps hidden from the public for about ten days while everything heals - which, of course, is not suspicious, as she's just given birth.

Many private hospitals around the world now offer this as part of the birth package. Nursing staff at London's celebrity-friendly Portland Hospital have an unofficial name for the package which honours, they claim, one of its earliest adopters.

They call it the "Mend It Like Beckham."

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